Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Diagnosis
When children are disobedient, negative, and oppositional, trying the patientce of the adults, they may get the diagnosis oppositional defiant disorder also known as ODD. This is not an illness, or an independent disturbance, but a medical term describing a pattern of behaviour characterised by stubborness, disobedience and constant defying of parents’ and other audults the authority.
Request allergy
The reason for why some children become more defiant than other is unkown. It is probably the result of a vicious cycle, where the way in which the adults try to cope with the child’s natural opposition, provokes a defiance response in the child.
I like to think that defiant childen are, in a sense, allergic to any kind of efforts to control, or to rule them. That child appears to perceive all requests, even those expressed in a kind manner, as unjust and oppressive commands.
The reason for why some children become more defiant than other is unkown. It is probably the result of a vicious cycle, where the way in which the adults try to cope with the child’s natural opposition, provokes a defiance response in the child.
Defiant children suffer from their defiance
Children’s defiance is a pain in the neck for their caregives but at the same time it is good to understand that also the children themselves suffer from the their defiance. Defiant children are usually aware of the fact that their life would be much more enjoyable, if it would be easier for them to follow adults’ orders.
I like to think that defiant childen are, in a sense, allergic to any kind of efforts to control, or to rule them. That child appears to perceive all requests, even those expressed in a kind manner, as unjust and oppressive commands.
Defiant children suffer from their defiance
Children’s defiance is a pain in the neck for their caregives but at the same time it is good to understand that also the children themselves suffer from the their defiance. Defiant children are usually aware of the fact that their life would be much more enjoyable, if it would be easier for them to follow adults’ orders.
I present here two different approaches to helping children suffering from excessive defiance. The first approach focuses on teaching adults a communication style that matches the child’s ‘request allergy’. The second approach focuses on teaching the child the skill of following orders, or complying with requests.
Try a different communication style
You can try to lessen the child’s defiance by assuming a softer, or more collaborative, way of influencing the child. I provide you with four suggestions. When you read the examples, think about a defiant child who refuses to take off his cap in class.
- Offer two (or more) alternatives and allow the child to decide which one of them to follow: ”Do you want to keep your cap on for a little while longer or do you prefer to take it off now?” or “Would you like to put your cap on the rack or keep it next to you?”
- Present your dilemma to the child and allow them to come up with a solution: “My duty is to see to it that pupils take off their caps in class and I know you are not particularly fond of that rule. What do you suggest for me to do? How should I convince you to take off your cap? What do you suggest for me to do?”
- Use gestures or signs. Some defiant children who are allergic to any orders given to them through spoken word, are capable of following orders when you give you’re your orders in different way, in writing or using previously agreed gestures or signs: “When you are wearing your cap in class I need to tell you to take if off. I have noticed that you don’t like me to give you such orders, so if you want, instead of saying anything, I can also give you a sign of some sort. What would be a good way for me to signal to you to take off your cap? Suppose I do like this? Would that work for you?”
The skill to follow orders
According to the logic of Kids’ Skills, defiance is caused by the child lacking the important skill of following orders. This is an important skill that all children need in order to get along with their parents, teachers and other adults caring for them. It is also a skill that children can learn if for whatever reason they have not succeeded to acquire it so far.
Start by discussing with the child the importance of the skill to be able to follow orders. When you talk about the benefits of this skill, avoid pointing out all the problems (such as conflicts and punishments) that the child can avoid by learning to follow orders. Focus instead, on the positive consequences of following orders (such as improved relationships, respect, trust, more independence). When children realize that learning a particular skill pays off they become interested in learning it.
Once the child shows interest in learning the skill to follow orders, apply the steps of Kids’ Skills to build motivation and to find a way for the child to practice the skill. Allow the child to give a name to the skill, choose their supporters, plan to celebrate when they have learned the skill etc.
The skill to follow orders is composed is a composite skill that is made up of a number of skills, including the skill of listening to orders with focused attention, signalling that one has heard and understood the order, completing the order, and reporting back when the order has been completed.
There are many ways in which children can practice the skill of following orders. The key is to design a game where the participants of the game are given simple, or amusing orders that they have to comply with. Make sure to reward the child with a smile, high five, or any other such signal, to support them to gradually learn to enjoy following adults’ orders.
Synopsis
Disobedience, or defiance is a common behaviour problem in children that parents all over the world complain about. Often defiance is simply a temporary phase in the child’s development but if this behaviour becomes a habit that creates problems for parents or in school, you should help the child get rid of the defiance habit.
You can help the child in two different ways, either by learning a communication style that avoids pushing the defiance buttons of the child making it easier for the child to collaborate with you, or by using Kids’ Skills to support the child in learning the skill to following adults’ orders and requests.
This article is owned by: Kids’Skillshttps://www.kidsskills.org/WP-fin/
