Temper Tantrums
Toddlers aged 1-3 years often respond to disappointment and frustration with a fit of rage, also known as a temper tantrum. They shout, cry, kick, hit, bite and often attempt to break things. It’s reasonable to say that the primary cause of such events is an immature brain – in other words, they haven’t yet learned to deal with intense feelings of frustration in a more mature manner.
Tantrums do not always disappear as a child grows
Tantrums tend to lessen in number and eventually cease as a child matures, but in some cases they continue. Parents then have to work out how they can help their child learn to respond to anger and disappointment in more mature ways. With small children, the best strategy is to simply ignore the tantrums, or hug them gently until they calm down. When a child is aged three or more this may not work, and you’ll probably be looking for a better way to handle any tantrums that occur.
Parents then have to work out how they can help their child learn to respond to anger and disappointment in more mature ways. With small children, the best strategy is to simply ignore the tantrums, or hug them gently until they calm down. When a child is aged three or more this may not work, and you’ll probably be looking for a better way to handle any tantrums that occur.
Responding to feelings of frustration is a learnable skill
Disappointment is a strong emotion that all children have to learn to cope with as they move from being babies into the toddler phase and beyond. We tolerate babies and toddlers responding to disappointment in a primitive fashion, but older children are expected to have the ability to respond in more adult ways, most of which involving expressing their disappointment in words and discussing possible solutions with their caregiver.
Responding to disappointment in more mature ways is a skill that children can learn with the help of the Kids’Skills steps as outlined below.
- Start by giving a neutral name to your child’s tantrums so that talking about them is easier. Feel free to suggest a name or names, but ensure that your child decides which word will be used in your family to refer to their tantrums. The name can be anything they consider acceptable – examples include words such as ‘Temper’, ‘Fire’, or ‘The Tiger’. As well as keeping the problem at a distance, this type of name will help them feel that the tantrums are not their fault by suggesting that “Temper”, “Fire” or whatever else you decide to call the tantrums is causing the problem. Children find it much easier to cooperate with you when, rather than trying to change them, you join forces to battle a common enemy.
- Discuss actions your child can take to calm themselves down when ‘It’ (the name you decided to call the tantrums) is about to take over. Help them come up with a variety of cooling-off strategies such as inhaling and exhaling deeply several times, taking a few steps back, stamping, counting to 10, or using words to express their disappointment.
- Once they have chosen their preferred cooling-off strategy, discuss how they can learn it using the Kids’Skills steps, first in roleplay and then in real life situations. Kids’Skills offers many techniques for building motivation and supporting your child in learning the cooling-off skill you have together discovered.
An inspiring story
A mother approached me with a query after one of my lectures. She told me that many years ago when her son was five, he had the habit of throwing uncontrollable tantrums both at home and in public. Once, when he was having a tantrum in a supermarket, she responded in an unusual way.
“I don’t know what happened,” she said. “I was so fed up with his tantrums that something clicked in my head. I threw myself down and mimicked what he was doing, shouting and screaming, and kicking my legs in the air.”
The image of both of them screaming and shouting on the supermarket floor was quite powerful. I asked “What happened? Did he stop?”
“He did,” she replied. “Then he got to his feet and tried to make me stop as well. He even told me he was embarrassed by what I was doing.”
Impressed, I asked her if her reaction worked on just that occasion or whether the effect had been longer lasting.
She thought for a moment, then said “After that there were a few occasions when he was just about to throw a tantrum but managed to control himself when I said “If you do it, I’ll do it too.”
Synopsis
Children who have tantrums lack the skill of self-control – the ability to control the way in which we respond to disappointment. Self-control is the ability to remain calm, or to calm yourself down when you feel overwhelmed by anger.
Self-control is a skill that children can learn with the help of the Kids’Skills steps. Instead of blaming your child for his behaviour, join forces with him and give the tantrum a name. Then focus on inventing practical strategies for what he can do to prevent the tantrums taking over. Think of each strategy as a new skill and use the Kids’Skills steps to motivate your child to learn and practice it using roleplay and other methods.
On the [Kids’Skills Website](http://www.kidsskills.org) there’s an illustrated story titled “Linda tames her Tiger”. I wrote this for parents and their children to read together. It should help you gain an understanding of how your child can learn to respond to disappointments in more mature ways.
This article is owned by: Kids’Skills http://www.kidsskillsapp.com/
